"Wishful
thinking"
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he
settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful
woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is
heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she
takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a
conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or
vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business.
I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in
Chicago."
He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he
has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to
a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his
composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role
at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says, "I use my experience to debunk
some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really,"
he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that
African American men are the most well endowed when,
in fact, its the Native American Indian who is most
likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that French men are the best lovers, when actually it
is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found
that the best potential lover in all categories is the
Southern Redneck." Suddenly, the woman becomes a
little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she
says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I
don't even know your name!"
"Tonto!", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!....But my
friends call me 'Bubba'.
Kiss and
don't tell...
A married couple were in a terrible accident
and
the woman's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any
skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to
donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the
doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband
and wife agreed that they would tell no one where the skin came from, and
requested the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very
delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed,
everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All
her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her
husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. There is no way I could repay you."
"My darling," he replied,
"think nothing, of it. I get all the thanks
I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknob. He couldn't get back in.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks,"What's this?" "A horsy," one child answers. "And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy," replies another youngster. "And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?" "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"
Q: What must a woman do when a man is running around in circles? A: Reload and continue shooting.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blonds..... :-)
A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before,.... so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. Mary: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" Mary: "Head Cleaner"
Q: Why can't blonds get Mad Cow Disease? A: Because it only attacks the brain.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, blond?
A: A rumor.
A A blond and her husband are lying in bed. The Blond says, "I am going to make you the happiest man in the world" The man says, "I'll miss you."
Q: Why did the blond get fired from the M & M factory ? A: Because she kept throwing away all the W's.