Watch where you swing
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the left and the other drive goes to the right. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.
She hits a beautiful second shot but in the process she hacks the heck out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks the path to the golfer's bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappeared as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, "Honey, where are you?"
"I'm over here in the pussy willows," he hollers. The wife screams back, "Don't hit the ball!!!! Don't hit the ball!!!!"
Where are you coming from ?
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the fuck up and let me play my second shot?"
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Ouch
The woman golfer called her pro to say that she could not keep her lesson. The pro asked her why and she explained that she got stung by a bee while playing golf.
He asked her where and she said, "Between the first and second hole," and her pro said, "I guess that would make it hard on your stance."
one mans viewpoint, another's confusion
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"