It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the
United
States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says:
"In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with
water until all is destroyed. But I want you to
save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the
seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front
yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my
best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for
construction and your plans did not
comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on
cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S.Forest
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and
Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on
strike.
I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16
carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had
no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe.
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the
state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a
recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a
religious event, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah
wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A
rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
You mean you are not going to destroy the earth,Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
AMEN!
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The captain's always right
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her leaning over the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "look, you've got a lot to live for. " I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.
Moving closer he slipped his arm around her and added I will keep you happy and you'll keep me happy! The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life boat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and piece of fruit, and they would make mad passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain .
"What are you doing here? "asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady, the captain said." "This is the Staten Island Ferry