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George Carlin:   "I am a BAD American"

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.

I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel
governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to
crack addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in
English.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two
parents.

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson
preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the
problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for
both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than
working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put
your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be
enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave
the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.


I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular
opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Woman.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I
am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the
desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or
been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running
from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are
breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you
deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the
next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should
be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to
never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't
pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the
mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

 

FOR MEN
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
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Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God
created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor
Man has rested.
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Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
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A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing: "You can have mine."
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.

                                       Simple Math


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

  Smart man + smart woman = romance
   mart man + dumb woman = affair
     Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
  Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC

 Smart boss + smart employee = profit
 Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
  Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



  SHOPPING MATH

         A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
              A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
   A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

 To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
                understand her at all.



LONGEVITY

                Married men live longer than single men, but married men
are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a
man says after
                that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:

                Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and
                cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after
I started doing the
                same thing to them at funerals.

The Drunk's confession

        A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church, sits down in a Confessional box and says nothing.
       

The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
        Finally, the bewildered priest coughs to attract the drunks attention,
        but still the man says nothing.
       

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to
get the man to speak.
      

  Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, pal, there's no paper in
        this  one either"..

 
 
What about the Muslims ?
 George W. Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House dinner.
     One of the guests walks over to them and asks what they're discussing.
    "We are making up the plans for World War III", says Bush.
    "Wow", says the guest. "And what are the plans?"
    "We're gonna kill 4 Billion Muslims and one dentist", answers Bush.
    The guest looks to be a bit confused. "One...dentist?" He says.
    "Why will you kill one dentist?"
    Blair pats Bush on the shoulder and says, "What did I tell you?
    Nobody is gonna ask about the Muslims."